1. 8. 22
(Part of this is edited from a letter…)
Dear Miss. J. N.,
Do you ever wonder, and it's a selfish thought, that God changes the weather just for you? I try to push thoughts out of my head because they seem so, so....individual, you know. Selfish. Narcissistic. Hannahcentric. But He changed the temperature for Jonah. When some men prayed, it rained. Usually, a group of people were at hand or would be a part of the consequence.
But do you ever wonder?
Tonight I am in Schulenburg, Texas at college retreat. It was fun sitting around a campfire talking about movies. I have my own room. The AC is humming. There are two beds in my room...breakfast at 8am. Everything makes me want to write. I miss writing for classes so much.
I have thought about what you said. Why Texas? I wonder. Part of me is more happy when I'm here just thinking that really, it's not me here, it's God. It was a good opportunity that came up. God put it there. Why does he have me here? (Please mentally edit all lowercase He and Him to uppercase).
God has made my life so much easier than I planned. I was going to go to community College and stay in AL, but He put me in a lovely 4 year college. I was going to work at that college after graduating, but He sends me to a top graduate program. The top of its kind in the world, Lydia. I was going to stay in LA for the last semester, but He sends me home with covid, and so I get to help make a feature film. I don't know what to do in the summer post MFA graduation, but he puts me on a documentary in Cleveland that changes my life. I had no idea what to do after that, but I get an email from J. who works here who tells me he saved classes for me. I don't know what to do for a side job, but J. directs me to one. I don't know where to live. Someone reaches out to me. This semester I didn't know how to get back involved in the industry again and have a side job. I get another film gig that pays enough for me to not get another side job. Maybe my body won't be in so much pain now.
I can see now that God is paving a way for something bigger than my plans. But what is it? Lord, what do You want me to do? And He's given me a heart that speaks best with lyrical words.
I told T. before that I felt like there was another world inside me. So many worlds. And I have to figure out how to let them out. Not for my sake. For their sake. Do you ever feel this way: so lonely feeling that the most you can relate to someone is through stories? Isn't this universal thing so isolating? Doesn't it hurt you so much? I still think it hurts especially since so few people read. I am tired of being depressed, but all I see is pain. Pain. Pain. Like a sponge to people's hurt. Do you feel weighed down by the sorrows of those you love? Feel selfish by the fact that almost nothing you've gone through is as bad as x, y, or z?
I wonder, how often I wonder, how much of love is letting go.