5/22

I sit outside an Alabama May, just warm enough and humid enough that I feel covered with a warm, human breath. I wonder how to let go of the past. As a Christian, I should be moving forward. But am I growing? Let go of the old. Embrace the new. When I think of myself giving my all to God, I am afraid of becoming artificial. I m afraid of stopping writing. Of wearing maxi skirts always. Of having that wild, bubbly, “husband-searching” energy of teen Christian girls, and getting married to a chad that professes Christ. I have not submitted my will. I ask if God is real. I do not often ask myself what I would lose if He was. Suppose my fears came true; don’t I wear maxi skirts from Walmart anyway? Aren’t I already bubbly (a lot at least)? Would a Chad be so bad? Hasn’t my heart longed to see men of faith? What is it I am afraid of, truly, if I allow myself to trust that God is real and that He exists? Am I afraid of being burned or stoned for harlotry, for false oaths, for leading others astray, for lusts and drunkenness, or whatever sins I might commit? But of what am I afraid? Did not Christ promise forgiveness if I followed Him? What would I lose? Would I lose my immorality? Would I marry? Am I afraid of getting the self-control that I say I want? I tell others I want to grow. I am afraid of losing who I am, even though what I may be is greater. But do I even know who I am? What would I gain? A community. I would find happiness in knowing that someone FOR me is in control. I would have confidence not dependent on my ever-changing looks and fluctuating self-esteem. I would be able to rest without loneliness. Christ, I have so much more to gain if I accept you fully. Why do I pause?