4.11.21

Searching, searching.

The emptiness I feel is full.

Usually, you think of emptiness as lacking something.

But sometimes it’s so vast you can feel it.

Instead of dripping out, the bucket just grows fatter and fatter with the water.

Each day, trying to survive. It hurts. My knees hurt. My neck hurts. I feel my sad family. I wonder about You, Lord, and if You are real.

For year. After year.

“Maybe tomorrow will be a good day.”

But it isn’t. Or sometimes kinda.

I swing back and forth between giddy and wanting to pass away.

For a year, it’s been a process of not wanting to get out of bed. Then being in bed. Then not wanting to get out again.

I can’t do it, Lord.

I can’t do anymore. I feel so empty.

I know if I can make it, I’ll grow. But I should never have sinned.

I should never have breathed, never loved, never held so fast to the loveliest blossoms that would never stay. Why do I expect beauty to stay with me? For everything there is a time.

I don’t want to go on, but I don’t know if I want to stop. I don’t know what I have to hope for. Each day seems empty. Constant droning. I used to imagine living with You in paradise, but now I can’t picture it. Even You in my life seems distant. That prayer I prayed to You, Lord, a few days ago was comforting. Right now my hair smells like chicken nuggets, but I didn’t eat any.

I feel so alone. There is no human to talk to that I trust, whether that fear is merited. I go through such strong moments of distrust after trusting people with too much. Those who I have felt comfortable talking to in the past have gone.

Why do I give my heart away to people who just want my body?

Please make me not be gullible, Lord. Help me to find peace in You through this darkness.

Help me to know true Love.